A The Lord of the Rings Parody Fic
by Revan's Soul
Summary: Things the Fellowship would do or say - if I had my insane hand in it.
1. The Fellowship of the Ring

This is a humor/parody fic I wrote when the Lord of the Rings trilogy was coming out in theaters.

**Summary**: Things that the Fellowship might say or do...If I had my insane hand in it.

**Disclaimer:** All belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien and his descendants and companies who own all the rights to LotR.

* * *

I. The Fellowship of the Ring

**Isengard**

Saruman: You are sure of this?

Gandalf: Beyond any doubt. *staff snaps*

Saruman: Gandalf?

Gandalf: *sprawled on the lawn* Wood fretter.

Saruman: I told you to go with black metal.

Gandalf: And the matching light bulb? I think not.

Saruman: I resent that.

:: *-* ::

Orc: What does the Eye command?

Saruman: Send out an A.P.B. for a solid gold, one-size-fits-all mind-warping Ring with some form of Elvish all nicely engraved on it.

Orc: Okey-dokey.

* * *

**Rivendell**

Aragorn: You cannot give me this.

Arwen: I know. I've thought it over and...mortality bites, Aragorn. *pats him on the shoulder* Sorry.

:: later ::

Elrond: Estel, what troubles you?

Aragorn: Arwen...has made her choice.

Elrond: *after a long pause* So the Evenstar has given up eternal life for you.

Aragorn: She has rejected me.

Elrond: Well, a girl can change her mind, can't she?

Aragorn: *pushes him off the bridge* I hate that guy.

* * *

**Misty Mountains**

Legolas: There is a fell voice on the air!

Frodo: Heeellooooooo...Yoohoo! Sarumaaan! Come and get it!

Gandalf: Oh bother.

*avalanche buries Fellowship*

:: a few seconds later ::

*Fellowship crawls out of snow*

Legolas: Aah...

Aragorn: What?

Legolas: I lost a contact.

Aragorn: ...

Legolas: What? You think 80/80 vision just happens?

* * *

**Moria**

Legolas: Orcs!

Boromir: No, really? You mean that's them drumming, thumping and screeching inanely?

Legolas: In case you zoned out then, 'there are older and fouler things than Orcs in the deep places of the world'.

Gandalf: Thank you!

:: not much later ::

Boromir: They have a cave troll.

Legolas: What did I tell you?

**

* * *

Lothlorien**

Celeborn: Where are you off to?

Galadriel: To terrorize the Hobbit into giving me the One Ring.

Celeborn: Somebody owes me ten loaves of lembas.

Haldir: Sod it.

:: *-* ::

*Frodo looks into the basin and sees Galadriel drowning him in it*

Galadriel: *menacingly* I know what it is you saw. For it is also in my mind.

Frodo: *gulps* If you ask it of me, I will give you the One Ring.

Galadriel: Good call.

:: later that night ::

Galadriel: *cackles* My precioussss...

Celeborn: Talk dirty, babe!


	2. The Madness Continues

This is a humor/parody fic I wrote when the Lord of the Rings trilogy was coming out in theaters.

Summary: Things that the Fellowship might say or do...If I had my insane hand in it.

Disclaimer: All belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien and his descendants and companies who own all the rights to LotR.

* * *

II. The Madness Continues...

**Bag End**

*Gandalf rushes to the door*

Frodo: Where are you going?

Gandalf: There are some things that I must see to.

Frodo: What things?

Gandalf: Questions. Questions that need answering!

Frodo: But you've only just arrived! I don't understand.

Gandalf: *turns at the door* Neither do I.

Frodo: What is it with wizards? Are you afraid if you start making sense the world will come to an end?

Gandalf: It might! Keep it secret. Keep it safe.

Frodo: *looks at the envelope* I should just not ask. Ever.

**

* * *

Ford of Bruinen**

Ringwraith: Give up the Halfling, She-Elf!

Arwen: She-Elf? Oh, perspicacity incarnate!

**

* * *

Rivendell**

Gimli strikes the Ring, it breaks. Everyone gathers.

Elrond: *arching eyebrows* Well...glad that's over. Who's up for a long hike?

:: two seconds later ::

*Ring magically reforms*

Gandalf: I knew it!

Elrond: Bugger. Well. You brought this evil here, Frodo, you can get it out of here again. And since you seem to know so much about it, Gandalf, you go with him. And you Aragorn...you'll go with him because you've worn out your welcome. And Boromir will go because he'll annoy you. And Gimli, because he's actually tried to destroy the Ring, which is more than I can say for any of you. Five companions. You shall be-

Sam: Ha! Mister Frodo is not going anywhere without me!

Frodo: *mushy* Oh Sam!

Elrond: *glaring* All right, six-

Pippin: Seven!

Merry: Eight! We're coming too! You'd have to send us home tied up in a sack to stop us!

Elrond: Don't tempt me.

Legolas: And an Elf makes nine.

Elrond: Why?

Legolas: Political correctness. 'Each race is bound to this fate, this one doom.'

Elrond: Oh yes. All right then. Nine companions. You shall be-

Arwen: *jumping out from the bushes* Daddy!

Elrond: What are you doing here? This is a secret Council.

Arwen: And I'll forgive you for not inviting me, if you let me go too.

Elrond: Why?

Arwen: Like Legs said. Political correctness. In every band of adventurers there has to be one woman.

Aragorn: Legs?

Gandalf: Ten is too much. We'll take a vote. Arwen or Legs- Legolas. I vote for Legolas.

Arwen: Reason?

Gandalf: You can fight with one sword, Legolas with two. And he's a better shot.

Aragorn: I choose Arwen. My love.

Boromir: Legolas. First come, first serve.

Pippin: Arwen. She's beautiful.

Frodo: Arwen. She scores twice on political correctness.

Gimli: Legolas. Gandalf's reason.

Merry: Arwen. Pippin's reason.

Sam: Arwen. Frodo's reason.

Elrond: Then it is decided. Nine companions. You shall be the Fellowship of the Fling.

Aragorn: Ring.

Elrond: That's what I said. Ring.

Aragorn: No, you didn't.

Gandalf: You know, they say a slip of the tongue is really your subconscious talking.

Aragorn: It was NOT a fling, all right?

Elrond: I got it straight from the horse's mouth.

Arwen: Daddy!

Elrond: Uh...Not that you look like a horse, honey.

Aragorn: Arwen...You...It was only a fling to you? No! No! I choose Legolas!

Elrond: Why?

Aragorn: A boy can change his mind, can't he?

Elrond: We have a tie-breaker then. *produces a coin* Heads or tails.

Arwen: Tails.

Elrond: *flips the coin* Heads it is.

Arwen: Dang.

**

* * *

Misty Mountains**

Gimli: If anyone was to ask for my opinion, which I know they're not-

Gandalf: Is someone feeling a little overlooked today?

Gimli: Well...

:: *-* ::

Gimli: Gandalf, have you ever thought of braiding your beard?

Gandalf: Split ends.

Legolas: *pressing fists against ears* Make it stop.

**

* * *

Moria**

Gimli: Roaring fires! Malt beer! Red meat of the bone!

Legolas: *shudders* Do that again!

Merry: Oh, the rocky paths of interracial bonding.

:: *-* ::

Legolas: Goblins!

Sam: I though it was Orcs. What are goblins then?

Boromir: *shrugs* Ah, Orcs, goblins. Halfwits, Hobbits.

:: *-* ::

Frodo: There's something down there!

Gandalf: Yes, it's Gollum. He's been tracking us for three days.

Frodo: And you didn't mention this why?

Gandalf: I'm a wizard. Irrational behaviour is my perogative.

Frodo: How did I not see that one coming?

**

* * *

Amon Hen**

Aragorn: We approach Mordor from the north.

Gimli: Oh yes? Just a simple matter of finding our way through Emyn Muil? An impossible labyrinth of razor-sharp rocks. And after that, it gets even better! The festering, stinking marshlands, far as the eye can see.

Aragorn: Having you been talking to Boromir again?

:: *-* ::


	3. Trinity

This is a humor/parody fic I wrote when the Lord of the Rings trilogy was coming out in theaters.

Summary: Things that the Fellowship might say or do...If I had my insane hand in it.

Disclaimer: All belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien and his descendants and companies who own all the rights to LotR.

* * *

III. Trinity

**Prologue**

Galadriel/Narrator: "Much that once was is lost. For none now live, who remember it."

Elrond: Except for us Elves who live forever.

Galadriel/Narrator: "Three were given to the Elves, immortal, wisest and fairest of all beings."

Elrond: Who do not indulge in blatant self-promotion.

Galadriel/Narrator: Quiet, halfbreed. "Seven to the Dwarf lords, great miners and craftsmen of the mountain halls."

Elrond: And their names were Grumpy, Sneezy, Bashful-

Galadriel: Do you have to be here?

Elrond: I mean, why seven? Is anyone thinking Snow-white here?

Galadriel: I'm sure it's just you.

Elrond: I'm telling you, Sauron's got issues.

Galadriel: Gee, is that why's he's trying to take over the world?

Elrond: He's trying to take over the world?

Galadriel: If some people would just let me tell a story...

**

* * *

Mount Doom**

Sauron: Next time...*wheeze*

*Elrond stops fighting and stares up*

Sauron: Come down the mountain...*wheeze*

*Isildur stops fighting and stares up*

Sauron: Then put on the armor!

*Elendil stops fighting and stares up*

Sauron: *leans on mace* Sucker weighs a goddang ton!

:: *-* ::

*Isildur hacks off Sauron's fingers, Sauron evaporates*

Elrond: *incredulous* Wait a minute! Is that all it took? A botched up manicure? I could have done that!

Isildur: *blast flattens Last Alliance* Phew! Someone's been eating beans for a week straight.

:: *-* ::

Isildur: *picks up Sauron's finger with Ring* Aah! Elrond, it burns!

Elrond: *picks up dropped finger* You know, this is still pretty hot. And...ew.

Isildur: What does it say? The Elvish?

Elrond: "One size fits all." Well, I'll just toss this in a fiery chasm, and we'll be on our way.

Isildur: Right. Good plan. So...Is it still hot? Can I feel?

*Elrond gives him the Ring*

Isildur: *taking off* Too easy!

Elrond: *dramatic sigh* Again with the running.

**

* * *

Bag End**

Gandalf: *shows Frodo the Ring* Hold out your hand, Frodo. Its quite cool.

Frodo: Says the guy with the pair of tongs.

Gandalf: No, really.

Frodo: All right then. *Gandalf drops the Ring in his hand* GYAAAAH!

Gandalf: Frodo!

Frodo: I just saw a giant lidless eyeball!

Gandalf: *relaxes* Oh, that was just Sauron, I saw him too. *tenses* Wait a minute.

**

* * *

Isengard**

Saruman: The hour grows late and Gandalf the Grey rides to Isengard seeking my counsel. For that is why you have come, is not, my old friend?

Gandalf: That was the idea, but seeing as how you've turned into an evil mastermind and all...

Saruman: I have not. Whatever gave you that impression?

Gandalf: *ticking off fingers* Scary voice. Black tower. Long nails. Bent nose. Beard needs work though.

Saruman: At least I have a look! Unlike some lidless eyeballs who shall remain nameless.

Gandalf: There's no need to get snippy.

:: *-* ::

:: later on in tower ::

Gandalf: Since when did Saruman the Wise abandon reason for madness?

Saruman: I beg your pardon?

Gandalf: *yanks Saruman's hands up* Clip-ons?

Saruman: I'll have you know those are real!

Gandalf: You know, it's just a suggestion, but if you're going for the evil wizard look, yellow chipped nails work better than perfectly manicured ones. And I'm not even going to start about the beard bleaching.

Saruman: *pouty* Well, white _is_ my colour. How do grey nails work, anyway?

Gandalf: Leaving now.

**

* * *

Rivendell**

Gandalf: By foul craft Saruman has crossed orcs with goblin-men. I say, Elrond, are you all right?

Elrond: Just went to a scary visual place. Carry on.

:: *-* ::

Boromir: What are you doing?

Arwen: What does it look like I'm doing? And don't rattle my chain, all right? You men are going off on your fabulous quest. The girl can stay and be pretty, waiting for her man to return. At least I won't lose my looks meanwhile.

Boromir: From what I heard you give as good as you get. At the Ford?

Arwen: I just waved Daddy's sword around. Big whoop. The river did all the work. *giggling* By the way, when Ringwraiths get knocked off their horses, they scream like little girls. Ask Frodo.

Boromir: I'll be sure to. But what's this "waiting for your man"? I thought you and Aragorn broke up?

Arwen: Who said anything about Aragorn?

Boromir: Oh.

Arwen: He's great and all, but no man is worth dying for. Killing for, maybe. But not dying for.

Boromir: That's...uh...That's very poetic. How much of that stuff have you had?

Arwen: I can blow little squares.

Boromir: Neat. Can I have some?

Arwen: Sure. Must be tough, huh? Being the next in line for the Stewardship and then along comes a Ranger who turns out to be the Heir of Isildur!

Boromir: Can we not talk?

Arwen: Touchy much? Oh, hey Legs.

Legolas: Hey, Ari. Boromir.

Boromir: *mouthing* Ari?

Legolas: Watcha doing?

Boromir: Smoking pot. Bilbo's.

Legolas: Ah, good old Bilbo. Haven't seen him since he broke out of my father's prison.

Arwen: Bilbo was in prison? We're housing an ex-con?

Legolas: It was a big misunderstanding. You know, this is pretty good.

Arwen: I know. Look, Legs, I can blow little squares!

Boromir: Not rings?

Arwen: GAAAAH!

* * *

**Somewhere in Middle-earth**

Legolas: What's with the mopey face?

Aragorn: I miss Arwen.

Legolas: You'll be with her soon enough, buddy. Right after Sauron kicks the bucket and you bump the Stewards off the throne and reunite your kigdoms. Your...kingdoms.

Aragorn: We broke up.

Legolas: Oh, I'm sorry.

Aragorn: Are you drunk?

Legolas: Of course not.

Aragorn: Smoked some, did you?

Legolas: *smiling* Old Toby. Finest weed in the South Fart...hing.

**

* * *

Misty Mountains**

Galadriel/Narrator: And so, onward and upward the tired trekkers trudged on feverished footsies on the perilous paths. When they beheld the mighty Caradhras, they reacted with awe.

Fellowship: Aaaawwww.

Galadriel/Narrator: I said awe. A-W-E.

Fellowship: Ooohhh.

Galadriel/Narrator: That's better.

:: *-* ::

*Frodo stumbles back, knocks Aragorn over. They continue rolling down the mountain and turn into a huge snow-ball.*

Gimli: *pensive* Now there's something you don't see every day.

**

* * *

Lothlorien**

Deep disembodied voice: Frodo...

Frodo: Yes, Sauron?

Galadriel: It's me, Galadriel.

Frodo: Oh! Pretty good Dark Lord impression.

Galadriel: Wait till you offer me the One Ring.


	4. The Extended Edition

This is a humor/parody fic I wrote when the Lord of the Rings trilogy was coming out in theaters. Contains lots of movie references which you won't get if you haven't seen them

Summary: Things that the Fellowship might say or do...If I had my insane hand in it.

Disclaimer: All belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien and his descendants and companies who own all the rights to LotR.

* * *

IV. The Extended Edition

**Gladden Fields**

Isildur: *Ring slides off his finger* Damn Elrond and his Honey Handcream.

* * *

Hobbiton

Frodo: You're late.

Gandalf: A wizard is never late, Frodo Baggins. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.

Frodo *sneering*: Don't even try it.

Gandalf: Try what?

Frodo: Using your wizard routine to dodge responsibility. "I've got things going on you Hobbits don't even want to know about", blah blah secrecycakes. You've got a sweet deal here. Come and go as you please, not having to answer to anyone. Where do I sign up?

:: *-* ::

Hobbit children: Gandalf! Gandalf! Fireworks? Gandalf? *Gandalf pretends to ignore the children* Awwww.

Gandalf: *fireworks suddenly go off from the cart, Hobbit children cheer, Gandalf laughs and makes a face* Ooh.

Frodo: Please tell me that look doesn't mean you did what I think you did to light those fireworks.

* * *

**Bag End**

Gandalf: Good to see you. One hundred and eleven years old. Who would believe it? You haven't aged a day. *Bilbo produces a bottle* Ah. Elrond's Evening Primrose Moisturising Lotion.

Bilbo: And Facial Scrub. You should try it, does wonders for the complexion.

Gandalf: *sadly* Alas, can't. Got to keep up the wizened wizard look.

**:: *-* ::  
**

**Shire**

Bilbo: Mrs. Bracegirdle, how nice to see you. Welcome, welcome. Are all these children yours?

Mrs. Bracegirdle: Hmm.

Bilbo: Good gracious, you have been productive.

Mrs. Bracegirdle: Not much else to do in the country.

Bilbo: *shudders*

:: *-* ::

Pippin: *in tent with fireworks* Done.

Merry: Youre supposed to stick it in the ground!

Pippin: It is in the ground.

Merry: Outside! Ah, if I only I had a brain...

* * *

**Green Dragon Inn**

Gaffer: Young Mr. Frodo here, he's cracking.

Frodo: And proud of it!

Gaffer: What is the matter with that family? *points to head* There's something wrong here. Idiocy? Hereditary, perhaps. Both of them, too. Very sad. Very sad, indeed.

:: *-* ::

Ted: Good night, sweet maiden of the golden ale!

Sam: Mind who you're sweet-talking.

Frodo: Don't worry, Sam. Rosie knows an idiot when she sees one. *chuckles*

Sam: Hey!

* * *

**Bag End**

Frodo: *opens the door and notices that the house seems to have been broken into.* Hm. Dark shadows and moonlight. Eerie wind. Littered papers. Danger, Will Robinson!

Gandalf: *grabs Frodo's shoulder from behind.* Is it secret? Is it safe?

Frodo: "It?"

:: *-* ::

Gandalf: I looked everywhere for the creature Gollum. But the enemy found him first. I dont know how long they tortured him. Amidst the endless screams and inane babble, they discerned two words:

(Gollum vo.) : Shire! Baggins!

Frodo: Shire. Baggins. But that would lead them here!

Gandalf: No, it would lead them to the other Shire with the other Bagginses. Honestly, Frodo.

:: *-* ::

Gandalf: What did you hear? Speak!

Sam: N-n-n-nothing important. That is I heard a good deal about a Ring and a Dark Lord and something about the end of the world but...

Gandalf: Give the whole plot away, why don't you! The Lord of the Rings in fifteen words.

* * *

**The Shire**

Gandalf: Come along Samwise, keep up! Be careful both of you. The Enemy has many spies in his service: birds, beasts.

Sam: Evil squirrels.

:: *-* ::

Sam: Everywhere I lie there's a dirty great root sticking into my back.

Frodo: The princess and the pea...

* * *

**Isengard**

Saruman: I gave you the chance of aiding me willingly. But you...have elected...the way of pain!

Gandalf: *flying upward* You...are...such...a...drama...queen!

* * *

**The Shire**

Sam: Mister Frodo? Frodo! Frodo! *Frodo emerges from the bend in the path, looking puzzled* I thought Id lost you.

Frodo: It's a corn field, where am I going to go?

* * *

**Woody End Forest**

Frodo: I have to leave the Shire. Sam and I must get to Bree.

Merry: Off you go then! Ta-ta!

Frodo: Merry!

Merry: Oh, all right.

* * *

**Buckleberry Ferry**

Hobbits: Jump Frodo! Go on faster! Jump! *Frodo leaps onto the raft.*

Nazgul: *stops short, is thrown clear of horse and lands on raft* That's going to need some ice.

* * *

**A room in the Prancing Pony**

*Frodo stumbles in room, falls to his knees, and stands up quickly, putting his back to the wall*

Strider: Are you frightened?

Frodo: Lemme see. You drag me violently up the stairs, throw me in a room, shut the door and proceed to put all the candles out. I'm thinking a big fat yes!

* * *

**outside Bree**

Frodo: *to Aragorn* Where are you taking us?

Sam: A question I would have asked _before_ leaving.

:: *-* ::

Merry: How do we know this Strider is a friend of Gandalf's?

Frodo: We don't. We just take his word for it and follow him into the wild like idiots.

:: *-* ::

Pippin: *gets hit in the head with an apple* Three guesses as to who the Fellowship's whipping boy's going to be.

* * *

**somewhere in the wild**

Aragorn: 'Tis the Lay of Luthien. The Elf-maiden who gave her love to Beren, a mortal.

Frodo: What happened to her?

Aragorn: She died. Get some sleep Frodo.

Frodo: Thanks for cramming that in a nutshell, tragic samurai-poet.

* * *

**Rivendell**

Bilbo: My old sword, Sting! Here! Take it, take it!

Frodo: Its so light!

Bilbo: Yes...yes-made by the Elves you know. The blade glows blue when Orcs are close. And its times like that my lad, when you'll have to be extra careful!

Frodo: Extra careful around Orcs? You don't say.

:: *-* ::

Frodo: Mordor, Gandalf, is it left or right?

Gandalf: *stares at Frodo* Left. The hand with the index finger and thumb you can use to form an "L" is your left hand. And this is the one we entrust the fate of all of Middle-earth to.

* * *

**somewhere in Middle-earth**

Gandalf: And the Ring? You feel it's power growing, don't you? I've felt it too. You must be careful now. Evil will be drawn to you from outside the Fellowship. And, I fear, from within.

Boromir: *walks past* Do I know my cue or what?

* * *

**West Gate of Moria**

Gandalf: I once knew every spell in all the tongues of Elves, Men and Orcs.

Pippin: Memory starting to go, old chap?

:: *-* ::

Aragorn: *unhitches Bills bridle* The mines are no place for a pony, even one so brave as Bill.

Sam: Are you sure? He did fine on the mountain amidst violent snow storms.

:: *-* ::

Boromir: *Frodo is released by the Watcher in the Water and falls into his arms* Does tentacle spew come out with dry cleaning?

* * *

**Mines of Moria**

Gandalf: I have no memory of this place.

Frodo: He says three days into the mines. But I'm not panicking.


End file.
